Sports are a big part of my life, especially basketball. I love this time of year because we’re getting deeper and deeper into the NBA playoffs.
I didn’t have much time these past 2 weeks to focus on serious topics, so I did what any normal, basketball-loving person does in their limited free time: build a dream team of restaurant workers with current NBA players.
Yes, it will get more stupid as you read on. No, I won’t be offended if you don’t read this. And yes, next volume will be more normal. I think.
Chef — Kyrie Irving
Coming out the gates strong!! There are few comparisons I’m as sure about as Kyrie making a great chef. The best Chef’s are unquestionably talented, stubborn, creative, and frustrating. They attract people to work for them just for the opportunity to be in proximity of their genius. Once by their side, we see they are set in their own ways. That they bend how others work so everyone in the kitchen falls into the Chef’s way of working. This may turn away people, but as long as the restaurant gets awards, cooks will sprint toward the opportunity to be a part of the team.
Sounds like Kyrie, right? He’s able to do things on a court few others are. He’s able to bend the basketball and his body to find the perfect angle. Basically, Kyrie makes difficult things look really, really easy. Watching him is like watching a great Chef put together an immaculate, new dish with a few, simple ingredients. This improvisation makes Kyrie and the best Chefs stand out amongst the rest of the field.
And as great as both can be, they are equally frustrating. The best Chefs are notorious for having a short temper and expect everyone to see things the way he or she does. Kyrie is no stranger to either of these traits. We saw him recently give the middle finger to fans in Boston, heard him speak out against the COVID vaccine for the past year, which resulted in him missing most of the regular season, and, oh yeah, he think’s the world is flat. Yet, through all this, people still respect the shit out of his game and want to play with him.
Prep Cook —Kyle Lowry
When I think of a good prep cook, I want someone who’s been in the restaurant world for a while. They look at their list of things to do for that day and accomplish them with time to spare. No one has to tell them what to do or check-in to see their progress. Most importantly, they know how long a specific task should take and what the ideal end product looks like. When looking at a list of things to do, they can tell you how long the list will take them. They are veterans of the industry — never going to wow you with going above and beyond — but always going to get their stuff done with little oversight.
Kyle Lowry is the same way. Whatever teams he’s on, he finds a way to become an important part without demanding the spotlight, letting other bask in the glory of success. When you watch him play, there isn’t a single part of his game that stands out aside from him always being in the right place at the right time. A great prep cook does this, too. They know where everything is and where everything should be. Constantly in the walk-in, they can close their eyes and grab what they need based off instinct. If they need to prepare a side dish for dinner service, chop vegetables, and start a stock, they somehow grab everything in one go. Their movement around the kitchen allows them to do more with less, just like Mr. Lowry.
Line Cook — DeMar DeRozan
DeMar DeRozan is about as solid a professional as you can be. He’s extremely loyal and hardworking, reinventing himself depending on what the team needs. With DeMar, you know you’re going to get a really good performance every night on the court. And when the team needs him to step up, he’s willing to assert himself as a focal point.
DeMar’s demeanor would translate well to the line. He’s consistently steady, allowing him to stay calm, cool, and collected throughout the biggest rushes of service. As an expo, I’d be confident throwing a ton of tickets and tricky restrictions his way because I trust he’d turn out accurate, quality dishes, all without letting the stress get to him.
If you treat people like DeMar right, he will stay at your restaurant for years, happily running circles around the new cooks that funnel in and out. But, if you start to throw too much at him, like asking him to manage others or come up with new dishes, he might leave. Some of the best cooks, DeMar included, need to be surrounded with people who have the soft skills to run a kitchen.
Pastry Chef — Chris Paul
Chris Paul can manipulate the outcome of a basketball game simply through his understanding of the sport. The ability to do that at the NBA level, where everyone’s knowledge is extremely high, is nearly impossible. His knowledge, precision, and attention to detail have made him one of the best point guards of all time, and it would also make him a great Pastry Chef.
Pastry is both art and science. Your measurements and understanding of how the ingredients you work with react to temperature or kneading requires extreme precision. But if you lack creativity, you’ll fall into creating the same pastry dishes again and again and again. Chris’ ability to zone in on one aspect, one ingredient, and figure out how to make it better than anyone else is what he’s done in basketball through his pick and roll game, and would be something he’d bring to his new job.
Pastry Chefs also don’t have the ability to mask what they’re working with. The rolodex of dessert ingredients is much, much smaller than what a savory chef works with, as is the expectation of what guests expect from dessert. Not having much to work with, but still pulling off insanely good results, is something Chris is used to. He’s barely 6 foot, can’t dunk, and doesn’t look super athletic, yet he’s become the Point God.
Server — Ja Morant
Ja Morant didn’t receive any notable Division 1 scholarships. He went to a small, mid-major school in Kentucky. After a couple years, he put their program on the map, became the 2nd overall pick, and is now the most fun player in the NBA.
Ja is electric. He can glide past you with ease, on his way to dunk on a guy much bigger than him, all while running back on defense smiling. The next possession? He can slow things down and find the perfect pass to set up his teammate. Then, the next time down the court, he can torch you by hitting a three. Basically, he can change his game depending on what the defense is showing. He reads opposing teams and acts accordingly, which is what the best servers do.
Accurately reading a table, getting a gauge on what they want and what they dislike, is the most surefire way to provide a good experience. Ja, like the best servers, also have a second gear. They can get triple sat on a Saturday and find a second wind to push everything along. There is no question Ja has this capability, and rather than sulk about getting more tables after he turned his whole section before anyone else, he’d embrace the challenge and have fun working through it just like he’s done on the court.
GM — Joel Embiid
GM was the toughest to decide. Kawhi Leonard made sense at first. He doesn’t complain and works his ass off, but he isn’t approachable. He’d have a hard time connecting with guests, and employees may be uncomfortable going to him with work-related issues. Joel Embiid, however, has the same strengths and is a much more approachable dude.
Joel didn’t pick up a basketball until 15 years old. 13 years later, he’s probably going to win an NBA, MVP award. He worked harder than everyone to make up for his lack of experience. That hard work has translated into one of the best, most unique players the NBA has seen. When you are teammates with someone who works that hard, you want to match their level of work-ethic. You’ll stay 30 minutes after practice to put up shots. Joel can get this best out of his teammates just like a great GM can get their best out of employees through leading by example.
Joel also has a way to disarm people. He’s well-known for his big, playful personality. He’s no stranger to trolling his teammates and the media. Being human while also being in the top 1% of professional basketball players is not easy. When you’re that good, you tend to possess certain traits that make being “normal” difficult. Look at MJ or Kobe. They were so damn good, but they also just seemed different. Their drive for greatness isn’t something that people posses. Joel, even though he may be 7-feet, is someone people can relate to as an example what hard work and being well-liked can get you. Employees and guests would pick up on both of these things, making him the best restaurant GM in the NBA.
Sommelier — Steph Curry
Steph Curry is a specialist. He’s made more 3-pointers than anyone else in NBA history, changing the way basketball is played along the way. When you watch him play, you notice how smooth he looks. Everything looks so effortless to him because of how hard he’s worked on his game. Steph would bring that same sharp focus, the same smoothness, when talking about wine.
A great wine sale at a table is really just a sales job on a story. And the story is infinitely more “buyable” when it’s done with ease and excitement, which is how Steph plays basketball. He’s so good at a single facet of the game. Steph can be at some crazy spot on the floor, the defender thinking there’s no way he can pull off a decent shot from here, but then he does and it goes in. If I didn’t want to buy a bottle but asked Steph a question about the wine list, I have a feeling he’d be able to sell me something amazing and I wouldn’t even be upset about it.
Backwaiter — Draymond Green
If someone suggests a backwaiter isn’t important for the dining room floor, they don’t understand how restaurants operate. And if you don’t think Draymond Green is a crucial player on one of the greatest dynasties in NBA history, you don’t understand basketball. A great backwaiter does all the things station leads can’t do while running their station. You know they are doing all the little things to set you up for success, just like Draymond has done with the Warriors.
His contribution doesn’t show up on the stat sheets, but he knows exactly what to do on every possession to give his team the best chance of success. His careers averages of 8.7 points, 6.9 rebounds, and 5.4 assists per game aren’t particularly impressive, but he’s proof of how to contribute to the game without tangible output. If you think a busy station can stay afloat without a great backwater, without someone like Draymond, you’re going to be in the shits. A lot.
Maitre D’ — LeBron James
I had to include LeBron, right? My favorite player. The GOAT. The reason for the single Cleveland championship I’ve witnessed.
As gifted as LeBron is, he’s equally hard-working —practicing and studying the game more than anyone. There are countless stories of opposing players in awe when LeBron calls out the plays they are going to run. He sees the big picture and adjusts his play style accordingly. As a Maitre D’, LeBron would enjoy the opportunity to shuffle the book around until it’s perfect. He’d study every seating map like the defenses he torches, squeezing in an 8-top at 5pm and assisting in helping it turn for another 8-top at 8pm.
And who better to greet you when you walk into a restaurant than LeBron? His smile, presence, and crazy outfit would make guests feel welcomed and excited about their upcoming dining experience. He’s already recruited some of the best athletes and coaches to join him on different teams, why would diners be different?
If a table needs to be stalled to help out the flow of the restaurant, LeBron would go in and shoot the shit with them. He’s a personable guy, and at this point in his career, he’s not interested putting in the hours of his GM, Joel, or turning on a second gear and running food like Ja Morant. Instead, he’d prefer to go back into the kitchen with Kyrie at the end of the night and game-plan the reservation book for tomorrow’s service.
And, after 3 pages (and questioning my sanity for making this public), I’m realizing my subconscious really just wanted me to write this to dream up a scenario where LeBron and Kyrie join forces again on the Cavs…
If you made it this far, you’re as weird as I am. Or my parents.